I have been trying to come up with the right words for her story for weeks. I can't seem to decide where to start, what to include, how much to say. Initially I wanted to give the beautiful version, focusing on the parts that were peaceful and serene. That is the story people like. I was going to leave out the part about her loss before this pregnancy. The emotions and anxiety that filled the energy of the room as the four of us vividly remember our last experience in a delivery room together. It was February 27th 2016 when she birthed a beautiful baby boy, too young and fragile to survive our world. This time they were expecting a baby girl, whose birth was supposed to be healing from the traumatic events of their loss. While the images may show a peaceful and healing birth, there was a point where things turned, and that healing experience was taken from her. Though surrounded by a strong support team, her voice went unheard and her wishes ignored at the end of labor. The situation has since been addressed with the hospital, but it does not give her the experience she longed for and deserved.
What have I learned from this? That losing a baby changes you forever. The grief does not end. The anxiety continues, even through future pregnancies. In fact, I am now convinced it can be worse. To see my friend continue to struggle because of the gripping fear of losing her rainbows hurts my heart. So from now on, whenever you see or hear about a rainbow baby, know that the baby before was never replaced nor forgotten and is a continuous presence in their lives.